“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” 
― Albert Camus

These are possibly, hands down, the most beautiful songs ever made. Well some of them.

I became insane with long intervals of sanity

my entire day has been stressful and nerve wrecking and horrible and bad. upsetting and tiring and bad. bad. bad. but upon reading a letter Edgar Allen Poe sent someone about the death of his wife I simply feel better. Instead of reading how complete algorithms of mathematical equations that often feel distant and cold, i got to read of how he loved her ever so much. connecting various works of his to this letter i understood him all that much more. I wasn't looking for this piece of information it simply appeared and with that, i know that the universe has not forgotten my happiness. However sadistic it is of me to find pleasure int he passionate sorrows of another is a compassionately different story but it was so beautiful oh so beautiful.

I'm happy to know that his "I became insane with long intervals of sanity" was the work of a tragic love story.
His wife apparently died from singing.
How beautiful. How dreamy. How perfect.
to die as a canary.

let me eat you

I don't understand why but I am drawn to you. So much more than I've ever been to anyone in such a great long time.
i want to lick you until you don't exist anymore.

I want to consume you until you are apart of me, the skin that grows on my elbows, the hair on my head, the cavity in my tooth.

so excited for this

I'm not a democrat, I just believe that...

IN TERMS OF OUR CONFLICTS WITH LIBYA, CHINA, IRAN, AND NORTH KOREA....

You cannot be an economic super power and not find conflicts with other countries. 
The reason Greece is not currently in a war at the moment is because Greece has nothing to offer us than great food and beautiful landscapes and even then, they are dwindling with globalization. 

In order to have a strong leader, you must know and accept that global conflict is inevitable and therefore you must pick and choose your battles. I believe Barack Obama has done so. 
To allow the people of your own country to suffer for the sake of a problem beyond them and their homes, and their wallets, is selfish on your behalf. The archaic vision Romney has could be justifiable in the sense that yes, our economy is in a rut, but that is the natural state of all things. The only way to save our own economy is to improve the work force within our own lines. 
Romney makes business deals with china over cars and runs major corporations, that hitherto has left him out of touch with the reality of an every day American. 

Not only has he changed his views on issues that greatly affect me and those around me, he also is anti gay rights. Mind you, homosexuality had been found in 70%  of animal species other than human. Now you tell me what is not "natural". 

In a country that is born of immigrants, why on earth would you create laws to stop the flow of immigration. The unemployment rate is not on the backs of illegal immigrants from Mexico and Cuba  they are on the backs of those who are not paying taxes as US citizens. By depriving them of citizenship you are Putting America at a loss of millions of dollars of tax paying dollars you could be getting from their pay checks. 

I know things are not "that simple", but by completely ignoring those within your own country for the sake of war, you are driving us even deeper in debt. 
Not to mention that when Romney says, "I was born in Mexico", he leaves out the fact that he only lived in Mexico so his father could have multiple wives to fulfill his religious cult. 
Romney also likes to boast of his philanthropy when in actuality he is forced by the Mormon church to donate money. 

This is also money he has gained by  exploiting third world country workers, to make his products that further enhance harmful globalization that is crippling small economies around the world. 

In places like India, where major department stores are opening up like wall mart in their city markets, thousands of street vendors are losing money, placing them even further into poverty.  You could say that large companies and corporations enhance job opportunities  but being that they are not under the laws of the US government they can pay their workers next to nothing and get away with it. Also, these farmers and their families know nothing but what they have sold, and traded for hundreds of years. they live a legacy out dating back to their ancestors. They,  not having the proper schooling do not have the skill to work in corporate companies and unless these multi-billion dollar companies start enriching and enhancing the communities I will be against globalization entirely. You cannot enter these localized cultures uninvited. 

 In terms of what Obama has done for me, he has allowed someone I love very much the right to remain in this country. I know his views are sometimes based on this Utopian society, often unrealistic, but in order to reach a  state where things are mildly alright, you have to aspire beyond the common laws of statistical likelihoods.

Blah Blah Blah senior year Blah Blah Blah

This was my favorite Birthday party. I think I turned fifteen. Yes that's it, I turned fifteen. It was a very thoughtful birthday party. I don't remember much of who was there but from this photo I can see a few people I admire and some I'll never stop loving.

Reflecting on these last four years of high school I can say quite a bit, but not too much. Sometimes these social rants just rest on the edges of my tongue and I let them sit there, dissolve... until I don't have to say them anymore. I swallow them down with nice liquor and suck them in with nice pot. But that is rare. Usually i regurgitate them on to random pieces of paper scattered about my room. 

I was so sure of myself and what I wanted to do with my life at fifteen. I find it utterly hilarious how I could say that, but it's true, I really ,really did. I wanted to become a mortician.  It's amusing how I can contemplate the next 20 years of my life so easily right now, when I know that they will just have to unfold on their own. developing like the  Polaroids I used to carry around. 

I think it's nice that I'm lost and confused just like everyone else. I think it's nice that for once I don't know what to do. I'm swimming in it. swimming in my confusion. The salty sea of confusion. 

There are a lot of different hair styles in my life I can tell you that. Each one the embodiment of change and the inability to deal with consistency. 

But back to high school... 

I know it is not yet over, but i am nearing the end. Joyfully. Ready for change. 

I've encountered so many different forms of people from all walks of life. Some I know are assured to stay with me and some I know i won't see for a very long time. 

And I've had so much fun. 

And I've seen so many things. 

And I've done so much. 

And I've left so much. 

And I've got the photos to prove it. 

I know way to much about this film than I should.

California

This is a terrible photo of me.
But this girl is the love of my life.

yes.

I've gone from 135 to 124 pounds. Eating clean and working out. Building muscle weight and actually having muscles in my arms again. Very happy.

Look at this really great vegan ice cream idea!

I love vegan food, I love the alternative to meats and harsh dairy products that just make me feel horrible about myself I found this recipe to be absolutely amazing. I personally love banana and eat about three to four in a day. I go through a lot of bananas in my house. anyway look at this amaing-ness : http://userealbutter.com/2010/08/12/single-ingredient-ice-cream-recipe/

We are all lviing for this giant green god.

 someone driven by the idealistic thoughts of fiction. strangers would snatch your purse for its valuable contents. but what exactly are these values? 

it saddens me quite a bit to know that my life and everyone elses life on this planet revolves around the representation of an idea of worth.

NASA is head over heels about the thougth of us beiang able to live on planets like Mars. however, to live for just a few weeks on mars would be "too costly" this made me chuckle, the thought of one trying to bring the idea and principles of money to another planet. if one were to live on mars, a planet entirely different from the one we reside on, the idea of wealth would cetianly not play a role in their daily lives.

My job makes me awfully sleepy.

so for the first time in over fifteen years I spoke to my father... Just to let him know that I was coming to Chicago and that I was willing to meet him again and the rest of my family... There's going to be a pretty harsh language barrier... I originally planned for Liana and I to go and meet them but I think it's better if I face this alone. I don't know, I feel like I have to see what the other part of me looks like, acts like or even sounds like. I have voice-mails from my father where he wrote me songs. I can never hear them quite well but they always make me cry. Only two people have ever written me songs. I think it's funny how now that I have a co-worker with the same name as him, I make it apparent that I get to say his name as much as possible, so the words don't sound foreign to my lips.

"I cry for the virgin genocide"

fridita bonita

Ice cream is a king's dinner. And words on the "stranger" game...

The reason for that strange splurge of photos was that I was trying to get the photos from my desktop to my laptop and I couldn't find a place to save them effectively as I do not have a flash drive. I had a Job interview today. It makes me feel a tad strange. It's not the kind of job I am used to. I've never worked with food before... I'm used to doctors offices and rich jewish teens getting their noses done for their birthdays. it's an ice cream parlor. I applied because two of my other friends work there and we thought it would be nice to work together because once the summer is over they're going away to school again. It smells nice in there. I have a strong feeling I'll enjoy myself. Ad much as I dislike people, I like to talk to them in a way that I am able to lie...
To make it more understandable I guess I can say that I like to use fake accents and lie about my name. I like to play the stranger game. It started out as a game between people I dated and myself... we would both pretend to not know one another and we would do it so well we got butterflies and all those unbalanced chemical reactions all over again. Well it turns out when you play the stranger game with actual strangers it's awfully interesting and fun... I only do this when I've had enough coffee... which is why I often play it at Starbucks. Sometimes I leave little notes on peoples tables when their heads are turned and leave, and watch them read it through the window. most of the time they look around confused, giggle and then continue with their night. They don't want to believe they were special enough for the note to be addressed directly to them so sometimes I make it apparent it'f for them. I cannot tell if this is just childish fun that I never got rid of or pure madness... But who's to say that normalcy is a god thing. The definition of normalcy is the direct opposite of what I ever want to see myself being.

Tonight I must have saved over one hundred photos of Frida to my computer in search of the perfect photo for my tattoo... This is the one that I loved the most.
Isn't she just the most beautiful woman you have ever seen? I have loved her since I was in second grade. That was the year I decided I wanted to be an artist. Because I was only in second grade and my hand eye coordination and motor skills were not yet fully developed I proclaimed myself an abstract artist. 

I knew that I could never be as wonderful as she was so i stuck to paintings of bacon and geometric shapes. often times i drew people with feet for hands. By eighth grade I had done a few projects on her and my freshman year of high school I saw two of her paintings in the MOMA.... I cried a lot looking at it. It really took my breath away in ways you couldn't even imagine. I sobbed and gasped for what air was left in the room... I really might have made a fool of myself but I didn't mind because it was for her. My Frida. I don't think I could ever love anyone as i love her. Is it sad that I have fallen so deeply; so madly in love with a woman who no longer lives? I adore her.... her hands, her feet, her eyes, her ears. I love every inch of her. "I love you more than my own skin".

I love her because her life and her art was driven on the deepest of human emotions. Love and pain. Neither can exist with out the other and I believe she knew that. I have not lived much and I have not lived long but I'd die for her at any moment. My heaven is to be with her, paint with her, just speak with her. I'd make us coffee and mole' and I'd become a glass blower, make her cups and plates. I'd do a lot for her, more than Id ever do for my own husband or wife. I think they will always be second to her.