cause everybody knows

I've gotten this song dedicated to me a few times..

Tattoos i dig

the past few nights

My Birthday weekend was awfully cute and i had a splendid time with some of the sweetest people i know. I was reunited with the kinder ones of this earth... well, not so much kind, but admirable. people i really feel happy to be around.


I ended up not seeing Sholomo, but instead Teengirl Fantasy. Who just happened to Dj, and not play any recognizable songs; which is typical of electro "bands". Expensive Shit played as well. 

I personally had a great time. Everything was hazy. 

i often find myself in hazy places. My life seems to be a series of densely populated rooms and loud booming music, excessive dancing and an unstable heart rate. this fact, makes me sleepy, it makes me want to sit down. 

I had a nice time. One of my favorite things about 285 Kent Ave, is that you're very close to the artists, and you're more apart of the music than many other places. I preferably don't like places with stages... I like being close to the artists. Last night, well actually, the night before last, I shared looks with one of the artists, it was nice; that's always my favorite part of shows. I like eye contact. It's one of the scariest things you can engage in with strangers. It really requires quite a bit of confidence. The amount of yourself your unconsciously giving to someone you don't know with eye contact is what is most frightening. 

happy birthday to me.... in less than one and half hours.

so these are my last waking hours being sixteen. its around that time that you look back and recollect all that occurred in your sixteenth year of living, in your sixteenth year of life. Sixteen is such a pivotal age, one in which you would exact much change. I've felt the same way since i was about 12.... i always felt as if i were an older woman trapped in this smaller body. and not that i wanted expansion of responsibility or acknowledgement for maturity, i just wanted to be left alone. sadly, i feel either entirely ahead or behind my own generation. My heart lies in eras I've never met, my mind lives in an age beyond my physical being. i;m torn between time space and being in itself. Thus, i live half lives.

I'm here to question myself, wonder and see who, what, when and where my life has gone, came back and redirected itself in my sixteenth year. three hundred and twenty five days of living...and have i made progress in any form? i made people cry...i can tell you that much. I Wonder if i loved in this year...I dated here and there, had a "steady" girlfriend..and hated every waking minute of our time together. i think this year, was the year of transition. I don't like the idea of living by year, month, or day... why must i hold my entire life accountable towards these ficticious definitions for the passing of time? with time comes, the urge of expectancy, with time comes expiration and with time comes death, paranoia and old age. I wouldn't mind old age. stretching skin, aching fingers....the slow transitions into death. i think nothing if more lovely, nothing is more beautiful. We all live in such cyclic forms and old age is one we tend to ignore... there is  something so lovely, so romantic about aging and i cannot put my finger on it, but it's lovely.

what have i lost. what have i gained.
i lost the urge to write publicly.... which i believe let some people down. let myself down. i miss the inspiration i received from others.
i painted a lot.
i cried a lot. not entirely out of sorrow..I'm never really sad, but out of longing for the past.
nostalgia is a very intense emotion.
i went through about three septum rings, all of which make me sneeze.
i had close friends move away.
had a lot of awkward sexual encounters.
slept.
wrote. etc.
i'd prefer to have a birthday every Monday. and we wouldn't call them birthdays, we'd call them life days. and sometimes we'd scatter them about the weeks. and on every Monday when you are feeling most dreary, you could be happily greeted by all who is around you, to celebrate life.
i think people forget that birthdays are days to celebrate life. new coming life, and the life lived. but i;d rather not celebrate my past year, and instead celebrate the year to come.

this past year i lost and gained an extensive amount of spiritual prospectives. i read some things, and saw somethings that influenced me a great deal and i made decisions on career paths i hope will never actually happen.... but for years now, most of my vision and outlook has remained the same.which never seems to disappoint me.

just thingking

the day in which i was born is in two weeks exactly. I don't know how i feel about aging and moving on with life. I would like to overlook all that  have changed and done and just continue. I normally feel nothing, no slight change. It is not as if i grew or regressed of became more or less of a person in the last year. I gained a little lost a Little but like the Libra i balanced myself.  I think i"m far more content with out the useless wallowing self degradation and pity, just for the sole purpose of art. on that note i do feel as if i have progressed in a way. I no longer lied to myself about lovers for the  purpose of writing inspiration. I haven't made a lover  cry in the past few months at least to my knowledge...actually make that the past month. hopefully.
I know what i want from people and i know what  i like from people. I like... no, i love power. I love to exude a forcefulness over a being without their knowledge or consent. i like to include myself within their daily thoughts and them not even have the time to question why. i Love to be infatuated with. and i love to feel absolutely nothing for intended person. I like power and i like to inflict pain. however i am a contradiction for karma. I like to choke and not to be choked and this is where the universe must repay with with horrible deeds; those i which i graciously anticipate, as well as understand their placement in my life. I deserve all the horrible things that have happened to me over the past years or so. It is the way nature intended it to be.


Schadenfreude. i enjoy causing pain and manipulating through lust and love, like warm clay in my hands i mold humans and it is my very favorite past time. and if you ever find yourself subject to me, hope you are the few i  actually have interest in.


Don't get me wrong, i Love the being, the beauty of humans the flesh the thought, the heart, the mind. I Love you before i even know you. i Love everything about you, i love your voice, your smell, your eyelashes the space from your bottom lip to the end of your chin, the lines besides your eyes, your ears your hair, your mouth, your tongue. i love you, i Love you whole hearted, but i will not tell you these things in a normal fashion and that is why you crave more... the mind is a funny thing, people are funny. its all so ironic the way we work the way we all work, like backwards gears changing movements and re arranging placement... anyway, i truly do care for those i hurt. I think i like to hurt people because i like to heal them. give me your wounds, let me lick them, rub salt on to them, then bandage them with my own tears and comfort. there is heaven and hell raging inside of me constantly and the war like pretensions that roar through me are then giving product of painful lusty love. I just enjoy dysfunctional communication and love in general. My favorite love stories and couples all involve the most horrible endings, beginnings and climax, and that is why they are so beautiful. I'd rather speak of  the relation between life death and their symbolic presence in rigor mortis, rather than go on a "date"... eh, and now i am just rambling on and on about my wantings. This is St. Valentine's fault. Valentines day was never a good day for me, i guess because i always break up with people right before it, simply because i have much disdain for the very day. It is the anniversary for coming out to my mom though, which is also a little strange. I feel as if i should buy her chocolates and flowers just for continuing to love and accept me throughout these turbulent years. I don't know what I'd do if she had thought otherwise.... gosh i am entirely off topic. Luckily no one reads this horrible blog anyway.

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=23382682&color=001&itemdescription=true&navAction=jump&search=true&isProduct=true

^
check out the loveliest shoes i just purchased, amongst other things.

I'm guessing they're more of a birthday present, as well as another pair of shoes, a black skirt and a black shirt. I don't know why it is but i tend to dress only in neutral colors. At times i feel as if what you are wearing is a reflection of your mood. Actually scientific study proves this. Yellow is associated with light, the sun and joy, thus when you wear yellow you feel, "yellow" joyous, and "ready to interact". I don't know what black says about me. I have possibly one or two things that are not black or entirely dark colored. I wouldn't say i am someone who is "sad" or "dark", i am the exact opposite actually. and i believe there is some misconception with the color black and its true meaning. Black is the color of the back end of our universe is it not? black is the color of mystery of depth of shade. I believe black white and grey to be one of ht most beautiful colors in our spectrum. It can never be created nor destroyed. It has properties of matter and motion, emotion and most of all, depth.