the day in which i was born is in two weeks exactly. I don't know how i feel about aging and moving on with life. I would like to overlook all that have changed and done and just continue. I normally feel nothing, no slight change. It is not as if i grew or regressed of became more or less of a person in the last year. I gained a little lost a Little but like the Libra i balanced myself. I think i"m far more content with out the useless wallowing self degradation and pity, just for the sole purpose of art. on that note i do feel as if i have progressed in a way. I no longer lied to myself about lovers for the purpose of writing inspiration. I haven't made a lover cry in the past few months at least to my knowledge...actually make that the past month. hopefully.
I know what i want from people and i know what i like from people. I like... no, i love power. I love to exude a forcefulness over a being without their knowledge or consent. i like to include myself within their daily thoughts and them not even have the time to question why. i Love to be infatuated with. and i love to feel absolutely nothing for intended person. I like power and i like to inflict pain. however i am a contradiction for karma. I like to choke and not to be choked and this is where the universe must repay with with horrible deeds; those i which i graciously anticipate, as well as understand their placement in my life. I deserve all the horrible things that have happened to me over the past years or so. It is the way nature intended it to be.
Schadenfreude. i enjoy causing pain and manipulating through lust and love, like warm clay in my hands i mold humans and it is my very favorite past time. and if you ever find yourself subject to me, hope you are the few i actually have interest in.
Don't get me wrong, i Love the being, the beauty of humans the flesh the thought, the heart, the mind. I Love you before i even know you. i Love everything about you, i love your voice, your smell, your eyelashes the space from your bottom lip to the end of your chin, the lines besides your eyes, your ears your hair, your mouth, your tongue. i love you, i Love you whole hearted, but i will not tell you these things in a normal fashion and that is why you crave more... the mind is a funny thing, people are funny. its all so ironic the way we work the way we all work, like backwards gears changing movements and re arranging placement... anyway, i truly do care for those i hurt. I think i like to hurt people because i like to heal them. give me your wounds, let me lick them, rub salt on to them, then bandage them with my own tears and comfort. there is heaven and hell raging inside of me constantly and the war like pretensions that roar through me are then giving product of painful lusty love. I just enjoy dysfunctional communication and love in general. My favorite love stories and couples all involve the most horrible endings, beginnings and climax, and that is why they are so beautiful. I'd rather speak of the relation between life death and their symbolic presence in rigor mortis, rather than go on a "date"... eh, and now i am just rambling on and on about my wantings. This is St. Valentine's fault. Valentines day was never a good day for me, i guess because i always break up with people right before it, simply because i have much disdain for the very day. It is the anniversary for coming out to my mom though, which is also a little strange. I feel as if i should buy her chocolates and flowers just for continuing to love and accept me throughout these turbulent years. I don't know what I'd do if she had thought otherwise.... gosh i am entirely off topic. Luckily no one reads this horrible blog anyway.
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