the day in which i was born is in two weeks exactly. I don't know how i feel about aging and moving on with life. I would like to overlook all that have changed and done and just continue. I normally feel nothing, no slight change. It is not as if i grew or regressed of became more or less of a person in the last year. I gained a little lost a Little but like the Libra i balanced myself. I think i"m far more content with out the useless wallowing self degradation and pity, just for the sole purpose of art. on that note i do feel as if i have progressed in a way. I no longer lied to myself about lovers for the purpose of writing inspiration. I haven't made a lover cry in the past few months at least to my knowledge...actually make that the past month. hopefully.
I know what i want from people and i know what i like from people. I like... no, i love power. I love to exude a forcefulness over a being without their knowledge or consent. i like to include myself within their daily thoughts and them not even have the time to question why. i Love to be infatuated with. and i love to feel absolutely nothing for intended person. I like power and i like to inflict pain. however i am a contradiction for karma. I like to choke and not to be choked and this is where the universe must repay with with horrible deeds; those i which i graciously anticipate, as well as understand their placement in my life. I deserve all the horrible things that have happened to me over the past years or so. It is the way nature intended it to be.
Schadenfreude. i enjoy causing pain and manipulating through lust and love, like warm clay in my hands i mold humans and it is my very favorite past time. and if you ever find yourself subject to me, hope you are the few i actually have interest in.
Don't get me wrong, i Love the being, the beauty of humans the flesh the thought, the heart, the mind. I Love you before i even know you. i Love everything about you, i love your voice, your smell, your eyelashes the space from your bottom lip to the end of your chin, the lines besides your eyes, your ears your hair, your mouth, your tongue. i love you, i Love you whole hearted, but i will not tell you these things in a normal fashion and that is why you crave more... the mind is a funny thing, people are funny. its all so ironic the way we work the way we all work, like backwards gears changing movements and re arranging placement... anyway, i truly do care for those i hurt. I think i like to hurt people because i like to heal them. give me your wounds, let me lick them, rub salt on to them, then bandage them with my own tears and comfort. there is heaven and hell raging inside of me constantly and the war like pretensions that roar through me are then giving product of painful lusty love. I just enjoy dysfunctional communication and love in general. My favorite love stories and couples all involve the most horrible endings, beginnings and climax, and that is why they are so beautiful. I'd rather speak of the relation between life death and their symbolic presence in rigor mortis, rather than go on a "date"... eh, and now i am just rambling on and on about my wantings. This is St. Valentine's fault. Valentines day was never a good day for me, i guess because i always break up with people right before it, simply because i have much disdain for the very day. It is the anniversary for coming out to my mom though, which is also a little strange. I feel as if i should buy her chocolates and flowers just for continuing to love and accept me throughout these turbulent years. I don't know what I'd do if she had thought otherwise.... gosh i am entirely off topic. Luckily no one reads this horrible blog anyway.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=23382682&color=001&itemdescription=true&navAction=jump&search=true&isProduct=true
^
check out the loveliest shoes i just purchased, amongst other things.
I'm guessing they're more of a birthday present, as well as another pair of shoes, a black skirt and a black shirt. I don't know why it is but i tend to dress only in neutral colors. At times i feel as if what you are wearing is a reflection of your mood. Actually scientific study proves this. Yellow is associated with light, the sun and joy, thus when you wear yellow you feel, "yellow" joyous, and "ready to interact". I don't know what black says about me. I have possibly one or two things that are not black or entirely dark colored. I wouldn't say i am someone who is "sad" or "dark", i am the exact opposite actually. and i believe there is some misconception with the color black and its true meaning. Black is the color of the back end of our universe is it not? black is the color of mystery of depth of shade. I believe black white and grey to be one of ht most beautiful colors in our spectrum. It can never be created nor destroyed. It has properties of matter and motion, emotion and most of all, depth.
^
check out the loveliest shoes i just purchased, amongst other things.
I'm guessing they're more of a birthday present, as well as another pair of shoes, a black skirt and a black shirt. I don't know why it is but i tend to dress only in neutral colors. At times i feel as if what you are wearing is a reflection of your mood. Actually scientific study proves this. Yellow is associated with light, the sun and joy, thus when you wear yellow you feel, "yellow" joyous, and "ready to interact". I don't know what black says about me. I have possibly one or two things that are not black or entirely dark colored. I wouldn't say i am someone who is "sad" or "dark", i am the exact opposite actually. and i believe there is some misconception with the color black and its true meaning. Black is the color of the back end of our universe is it not? black is the color of mystery of depth of shade. I believe black white and grey to be one of ht most beautiful colors in our spectrum. It can never be created nor destroyed. It has properties of matter and motion, emotion and most of all, depth.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
to do;
- complete notes for chapters 18-19 by tomorrow's test at 3pm.
- get an A on my History Vs. Hollywood midterm
- buy stamps
- get money to buy stamps
- find time for a job
- find time to get rid of my social life
- become home schooled so i don't have to deal with daily reiterated idiocracy and fascists.
- finish this book
- never mind, i finished it.
- write a play
- act in the play
- change my mind at the last minute and cast another person as my role
- climb mount Everest
- skydive
- skydive before i climb mount Everest.
- get a video camera and film.
- tattoo Frida
- Get Liana's name in her horrid handwriting somewhere
- Lizzy's too.
- mathematical equations leading up to my moms, graces and scarlets birthdays.
- math in french
- use my Rosetta stone.
- go to sleep.
- wake up at 5am
- finish homework
- be at class my 7:25
- re-take EMT midterm
- perhaps pursue a career in Mortuary studies as well as studying ancient cultures and their perceptions of death and dying. write a book about my findings after i travel the world, getting first hand observation and experiences with these rituals.
- perhaps go to art school
- fuck art school...there is no money in studio arts, no assured money... no concrete truths. And this scares me. This passion that i have yet the lacking of the carelessness or drive to take the risk.
- end up taking art classes, dropping out and becoming a mortician as well as getting degrees in psychology, journalism, philosophy and sociology
- find out how to kindly tell people to go away, with out loosing their love and trust. that is the meaning to life. making yourself happy, by making yourself and others happy at the same time.
no time
so, the time has come for me to redirect my attention from people and the lack there of, to people that are lacking of.
lately I've been yearning for an escape from one realm of diluted reasoning to the next. And so consequently, in all irony of the proper formed universe, i gain gain gain. full, overflowing much so much input and no time or will for output....rather, discarding.
i wish to discard social relationships and conversations. they are draining and the time i normally spend alone is filled with endless studies, ones i enjoy however leave no time for proper contemplation of my day.
days are blurry and sleep is slim.
i could hide under rocks and in the holes of abnormally large trees if only my future would allow me.
lately I've been yearning for an escape from one realm of diluted reasoning to the next. And so consequently, in all irony of the proper formed universe, i gain gain gain. full, overflowing much so much input and no time or will for output....rather, discarding.
i wish to discard social relationships and conversations. they are draining and the time i normally spend alone is filled with endless studies, ones i enjoy however leave no time for proper contemplation of my day.
days are blurry and sleep is slim.
i could hide under rocks and in the holes of abnormally large trees if only my future would allow me.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
NEW ALBUM..?
it appears i have been out the loop for quite some time, perhaps it was my love for toro y moi tha completely blinded me of ever realising or caring that gregory and the hawk have come out with a new album over a year ago..gosh where have i been.
No shave November
No shave November is something i have been taking part in for years now, except for last year... and the year before that... i guess...because i was dating people unfortunately, and and I seriously doubt there are many women who walk around appreciating their fuzzy-legged girlfriends, although there were a few weeks i simply didn't shave just for the hell of getting my girlfriend pissed off. it never worked though...they didn't seem to mind. but nevermind that, and their opinions. this year i vow to be single, and dabble in the loveliness of solitude, and the hairy legs that follow. ah how great it will be! perhaps i should shave now though, because its been a few weeks and length is accumulating, however despite that i still wear shorts and skirts, also despite the weather.
vegan babe
This is a video i watched on my hunt for good vegan diets and meals to make myself. Stumbling across this half warmed my heart and made me upset, wishing that i could have known my great grandmother and hear her stores of the great depression. I've never known anyone over the age of 80. however recently during a ceremony for 9/11, i met a world war 2 veteran and him and and i scheduled a date to meet and talk, he doesn't have a phone though, so it makes things an awful lot harder than it should be. i just want to sit and discuss the 50's and 40's over some tea is all, and hear the great stores of the times before me.
anyway, back to going vegan. we all know i love meat, i love steak, and chicken, and hamburgers and ribs bacon and all sorts of meat products....but i feel that it's time to make a change, at least for a little while. I'm basically doing a body cleanse, where i eat mainly vegetables and fruits. Breakfast would be my usual black coffee, or tea, apples, whole wheat bread and either some peanut butter or some avocado spread.
lunch would be, home made salsa, another apple (yum!) some pita chips and some cold chickpeas. dinner would probably be some sort of soup, i haven't exactly set out an actual plan for myself yet but that's what i have so far... and I'll be snacking all through out the day during classes and in between classes. i even keep a jar of mixed nuts in my locker...however they're far too salty..i have to buy salt free-unflavored ones.
Oh, and if you'd like to join me on my yummy veggie quest, here's a recipe i found and absolutely LOVE. its my favorite pasta dish. high in calories though, depending on how you make it.
oh and here's some vegan scaresuration music by one of my favorite singers.
i used to listen to her quite a bit.
anyway, back to going vegan. we all know i love meat, i love steak, and chicken, and hamburgers and ribs bacon and all sorts of meat products....but i feel that it's time to make a change, at least for a little while. I'm basically doing a body cleanse, where i eat mainly vegetables and fruits. Breakfast would be my usual black coffee, or tea, apples, whole wheat bread and either some peanut butter or some avocado spread.
lunch would be, home made salsa, another apple (yum!) some pita chips and some cold chickpeas. dinner would probably be some sort of soup, i haven't exactly set out an actual plan for myself yet but that's what i have so far... and I'll be snacking all through out the day during classes and in between classes. i even keep a jar of mixed nuts in my locker...however they're far too salty..i have to buy salt free-unflavored ones.
Oh, and if you'd like to join me on my yummy veggie quest, here's a recipe i found and absolutely LOVE. its my favorite pasta dish. high in calories though, depending on how you make it.
- 1 pound rigatoni pasta
- 3 cups purchased garlic-flavored croutons, (about 5 ounces)
- 1/4 cup slivered almonds (about 1 ounce), toasted
- 1 cup julienned roasted red bell peppers
- 3/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
Directions
Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the pasta and cook until tender but still firm to the bite, stirring occasionally, about 8 to 10 minutes. Drain pasta into a large bowl. Place the croutons and the almonds in a food processor. Pulse until it becomes the texture of bread crumbs. Add the crouton and almond mixture to the hot pasta. Add the peppers and the olive oil. Toss to combine and serve.
oh and here's some vegan scaresuration music by one of my favorite singers.
i used to listen to her quite a bit.
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