So, the other night...

The other night i was invited to some "art show" by a younger friend of mine.
Being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder it is very rare that i spend time with people i am not already very close to, but she seemed nice enough. She took me to some small art show, entirely stocked with over one hundred high school children pleasantly slobbering over one another like the pre-adulthood terrors they truly are. Needless to say i felt very uncomfortable and out of place. But the night was pretty alright, i hid on a nice couch next to an enormous speaker and listened to this small time local band called, Silver Plane Crucifix. They were extremely good, and it means a lot coming from me to say this. Oddly enough, the drummer is my ex-girlfriend's friend. Awkward situations follow me everywhere. But that did not stop me from absolutely grooving and getting my baby jones on. this little band made me 1, entirely inspired to begin writing songs again and picking up my old guitar.

They also reminded me how talented the youth of the world is, and how much i'm missing out on from being so busy with classes and working out excessively. I really love their sound it's a cross between The Black Keys, Bombay Bicycle Club, Toro Y Moi and Deerhunter. I really dig it and hope to see them around more. The summer is coming soon and needless to say that brings many opportunities to throw parties, perhaps i'll rent out a space at Pearl and throw a small talent debut show. I Don't know how to feel about summer being so close, it kind of makes me sad. the winter may be cold but there's something very warm about snow.

I Love Billie Holiday

Fondness is growing weary and i'd prefer it if you taken halt to such imperfect actions and untidy words. kindling the flames of embryonic flesh, and devoured miss of the mark on a self patriotic species. we spend our lives living literature through languages we cannot fully comprehend, and questions and answers both subside in a quandary of animalistic doom. here, 
there, lies the cowering court yard playing children in their phase of osmosis and adaptation of adp to adhp. from the sun we grow warmth, from the night quivers and quakes, those soothing cool night shakes we grow strength. strength in numbers, strength in mass and with out this hard ship we will weary from the kind kindled philosophy that lately linger out of our ears and on to our toes. 
gather in pools beneath our feet these closeted angle faced lovers
partake in the anti fetus relationship of days past. and with the scorn of church prayers and mother  bearers, father givers, of the masts they hide, 
the dainty children of same sex glide. 

i kind of miss having your face in my journal. And i wish you'd be quiet. I like you when you're quiet.

Really really good vibes.

So I've been insanely busy lately with classes, and work outs. I run everyday, and work out twice on thursday and i rest on the weekends but i feel like i should at least work out this sunday. I think i will. I'm doing pretty swell in all my classes averaging from 90-100 except for history....which upsets me.

I'm so excited for health... I don't smoke anymore which has done wonders for my lungs. Overall i just feel great and i couldn't wait to talk about it! Today I start my new diet, jut so i have energy for all this moving i've been doing. I can east as many fruits and vegetables as i want all day long, and have normal dinners. And starting next weekend i'll be able to cheat on sundays and saturdays.

In other news... This thursday i helped out with a senior citizen's party, serving food and chatting it up with war veterans.  Hopefully my plan to hold a senior citizens prom this may or june will work out. I've been trying to get people involved with the charities i work with but no one else seems to be motivated. I'll just have to make them motivated. 

anyway, those were my weekly good vibes, minus the feels towards this male character. 

cause everybody knows

I've gotten this song dedicated to me a few times..

Tattoos i dig

the past few nights

My Birthday weekend was awfully cute and i had a splendid time with some of the sweetest people i know. I was reunited with the kinder ones of this earth... well, not so much kind, but admirable. people i really feel happy to be around.


I ended up not seeing Sholomo, but instead Teengirl Fantasy. Who just happened to Dj, and not play any recognizable songs; which is typical of electro "bands". Expensive Shit played as well. 

I personally had a great time. Everything was hazy. 

i often find myself in hazy places. My life seems to be a series of densely populated rooms and loud booming music, excessive dancing and an unstable heart rate. this fact, makes me sleepy, it makes me want to sit down. 

I had a nice time. One of my favorite things about 285 Kent Ave, is that you're very close to the artists, and you're more apart of the music than many other places. I preferably don't like places with stages... I like being close to the artists. Last night, well actually, the night before last, I shared looks with one of the artists, it was nice; that's always my favorite part of shows. I like eye contact. It's one of the scariest things you can engage in with strangers. It really requires quite a bit of confidence. The amount of yourself your unconsciously giving to someone you don't know with eye contact is what is most frightening. 

happy birthday to me.... in less than one and half hours.

so these are my last waking hours being sixteen. its around that time that you look back and recollect all that occurred in your sixteenth year of living, in your sixteenth year of life. Sixteen is such a pivotal age, one in which you would exact much change. I've felt the same way since i was about 12.... i always felt as if i were an older woman trapped in this smaller body. and not that i wanted expansion of responsibility or acknowledgement for maturity, i just wanted to be left alone. sadly, i feel either entirely ahead or behind my own generation. My heart lies in eras I've never met, my mind lives in an age beyond my physical being. i;m torn between time space and being in itself. Thus, i live half lives.

I'm here to question myself, wonder and see who, what, when and where my life has gone, came back and redirected itself in my sixteenth year. three hundred and twenty five days of living...and have i made progress in any form? i made people cry...i can tell you that much. I Wonder if i loved in this year...I dated here and there, had a "steady" girlfriend..and hated every waking minute of our time together. i think this year, was the year of transition. I don't like the idea of living by year, month, or day... why must i hold my entire life accountable towards these ficticious definitions for the passing of time? with time comes, the urge of expectancy, with time comes expiration and with time comes death, paranoia and old age. I wouldn't mind old age. stretching skin, aching fingers....the slow transitions into death. i think nothing if more lovely, nothing is more beautiful. We all live in such cyclic forms and old age is one we tend to ignore... there is  something so lovely, so romantic about aging and i cannot put my finger on it, but it's lovely.

what have i lost. what have i gained.
i lost the urge to write publicly.... which i believe let some people down. let myself down. i miss the inspiration i received from others.
i painted a lot.
i cried a lot. not entirely out of sorrow..I'm never really sad, but out of longing for the past.
nostalgia is a very intense emotion.
i went through about three septum rings, all of which make me sneeze.
i had close friends move away.
had a lot of awkward sexual encounters.
slept.
wrote. etc.
i'd prefer to have a birthday every Monday. and we wouldn't call them birthdays, we'd call them life days. and sometimes we'd scatter them about the weeks. and on every Monday when you are feeling most dreary, you could be happily greeted by all who is around you, to celebrate life.
i think people forget that birthdays are days to celebrate life. new coming life, and the life lived. but i;d rather not celebrate my past year, and instead celebrate the year to come.

this past year i lost and gained an extensive amount of spiritual prospectives. i read some things, and saw somethings that influenced me a great deal and i made decisions on career paths i hope will never actually happen.... but for years now, most of my vision and outlook has remained the same.which never seems to disappoint me.

just thingking

the day in which i was born is in two weeks exactly. I don't know how i feel about aging and moving on with life. I would like to overlook all that  have changed and done and just continue. I normally feel nothing, no slight change. It is not as if i grew or regressed of became more or less of a person in the last year. I gained a little lost a Little but like the Libra i balanced myself.  I think i"m far more content with out the useless wallowing self degradation and pity, just for the sole purpose of art. on that note i do feel as if i have progressed in a way. I no longer lied to myself about lovers for the  purpose of writing inspiration. I haven't made a lover  cry in the past few months at least to my knowledge...actually make that the past month. hopefully.
I know what i want from people and i know what  i like from people. I like... no, i love power. I love to exude a forcefulness over a being without their knowledge or consent. i like to include myself within their daily thoughts and them not even have the time to question why. i Love to be infatuated with. and i love to feel absolutely nothing for intended person. I like power and i like to inflict pain. however i am a contradiction for karma. I like to choke and not to be choked and this is where the universe must repay with with horrible deeds; those i which i graciously anticipate, as well as understand their placement in my life. I deserve all the horrible things that have happened to me over the past years or so. It is the way nature intended it to be.


Schadenfreude. i enjoy causing pain and manipulating through lust and love, like warm clay in my hands i mold humans and it is my very favorite past time. and if you ever find yourself subject to me, hope you are the few i  actually have interest in.


Don't get me wrong, i Love the being, the beauty of humans the flesh the thought, the heart, the mind. I Love you before i even know you. i Love everything about you, i love your voice, your smell, your eyelashes the space from your bottom lip to the end of your chin, the lines besides your eyes, your ears your hair, your mouth, your tongue. i love you, i Love you whole hearted, but i will not tell you these things in a normal fashion and that is why you crave more... the mind is a funny thing, people are funny. its all so ironic the way we work the way we all work, like backwards gears changing movements and re arranging placement... anyway, i truly do care for those i hurt. I think i like to hurt people because i like to heal them. give me your wounds, let me lick them, rub salt on to them, then bandage them with my own tears and comfort. there is heaven and hell raging inside of me constantly and the war like pretensions that roar through me are then giving product of painful lusty love. I just enjoy dysfunctional communication and love in general. My favorite love stories and couples all involve the most horrible endings, beginnings and climax, and that is why they are so beautiful. I'd rather speak of  the relation between life death and their symbolic presence in rigor mortis, rather than go on a "date"... eh, and now i am just rambling on and on about my wantings. This is St. Valentine's fault. Valentines day was never a good day for me, i guess because i always break up with people right before it, simply because i have much disdain for the very day. It is the anniversary for coming out to my mom though, which is also a little strange. I feel as if i should buy her chocolates and flowers just for continuing to love and accept me throughout these turbulent years. I don't know what I'd do if she had thought otherwise.... gosh i am entirely off topic. Luckily no one reads this horrible blog anyway.