Existing in the present to not exist in the future.

Sometimes i just don't know if i can properly breathe, i don't know if i really, truly contain proper mass, and existence. so i truly hold a place in this world? do i matter in some way,can i even compare in size to the cosmos? i used to feel that i was connected to everyone and everything i found beautiful. the smell before rain, that was me, the flow of water down those city slicked streets, that was me, the rustling of leaves in a tree, the dust before a well lit window, these things were all extensions of myself, or so i have thought.
But as time went on, my connectivity to he universe faded, and along wit it, followers of my theories have faded as well, while loosing myself, they lost themselves. and that saddens me. to once have been the inspiration of others and to let them down mentally i feel somewhat ashamed.

and now all i have left is this; the cold hard facts, the only physical truth could very well be science. but even truth itself upsets me, because like all things it is pain strikingly relative, it is merely a social norm, is a collective theory amongst the people, taught, killed, dying and being re born again in text books and on the Internet. we haven't the slightest clue what is real anymore, and nor do i.

we're all awaiting this realization and revelation of what we truly are and what our purpose is. sadly i cannot tell you what your purpose is, and you cannot tell yourself... i feel that perhaps our purpose is to just...be. and it can be as simple as that. the most complex things have the simplest of answers. we have created an entirely new world of philosophy questioning and wondering, search and finding, and no matter what we will never reach a mutual understanding. i am fine by this and i acknowledge my flaw in never being able to produce a single, straight answer... but to tell you the truth all answers are a concoction of thoughts and theories produced and formed over years of experiences, ones in which you have not had yet.
your only truth in this world, is death. that is our only constant. whether you fear it, or embrace it with open arms, it is the only things that you are assured.

and with that said, you exist for death. i exist for death. and i choose t embark on the loveliest of journeys in my death, in my spiritual awakening and physical closing.