just some thoughts.

well it surely has been a while since I've written anything on here. 


so i was thinking about cutting my hair and growing my hair and how i wish my hair could both be down to the small of my back and short enough for me to finger the prickly edges along my side burns..that is, if i even had any.


i was thinking about how i am often attracted to women, women with either long flowing beautiful hair down their backs..dark long hair. Or women with small faces, pointed noses and short pixie cuts. it did not occur to me until now that i often am attracted to someone who either resembles "Moira Angela Darling" or better yet, Gwennith Paltrow in "Hook" or the child version of Robin Williams as peter pan. or perhaps women or men alike that look like Rufeeo. i wonder how it is you spell his name exactly. 


anyway, i do so very much enjoy the entire peter pan concept. as a child i had quite a few peter pan films. one was a play in which peter was played by a woman. and oh did i love her a great deal, however i didn't know she was a woman. it was actually tradition to have peter pan played by a woman, as they resemble a young boy far better than a man could. I of course had the Disney version which i can recite all the words to, then there was Hook. I loved them all and i loved the thought of neverland. I always wondered where y neverland was, or how i could find it. little did i know it was really just an adaptation of the theory of  heaven and the afterlife. 

indeed, Mary Martin was one of my first childhood romances. 

most writers geared towards children were often pedophiles... knowing so many people who were raped at a very young age, excluding myself makes me wonder why exactly Disney deemed these stories acceptable with their subliminal messages and references to a secret pornographic sex between a small child and a grown man. things like that upset me...however most brilliance is driven from common evils and insanity. 
you simply cannot as for a sane writer 
sanity is simplistic and i for one often fit the profile of a writer... but how does that even make me feel ... 


i sleot all day today having various dreams about old friends, and what the world would be like after an outbreak of a highly contageious disease. these dreams would never interest me as a writing topic however i would like to see them translated into film. 




for the past 8 years maybe forever, I've woken up at 3:30 AM... Christ died at 3:00 pm, or so the bible says. sometimes i wonder if this a devious game of the secret dimensions embedded between my world and the world of the unseen spirits of the dead. do i wake up to stop myself from slipping into this unseen dimension? 


i believe when we do certain things our bodies become open vessels. 


when i paint, i become an open vessel, allowing creative flow and thoughts of various creatures and life forms to flow through me, down my tendons and nerves ends and to the paint that will lay on canvas. 


i sold five paintings. I made quite a great deal of money from that but it saddens me. Putting a price on art is like putting a price on children in my eyes. i hope the new owners my paintings will treat them nicely. I wouldn't doubt that though. something they paid so much money for should be taken care of i presume. hopefully they send me photos of where they hang them up and what not. 


gosh this really is quite a tangent. i always do this, run off and blurb whatever it is that is in my head without any set direction of needs to be said or how to say it. 


i guess this is why i cannot become a decent writer. 
despite the fact that i am published....twice. quite a few of my poems are now in a literary magazine. and my small memoir is in a book as well. 




anyway, all of my classes are over. 
i still haven't figured out what to do with my life. at moments i am just so sure of what i want to do and how i want to be but then again i feel so disoriented and confused. however i know that is very normal of someone my age, it's just that i myself, for my own personal value would like to know. 
 everyone around me is so very deep into this childish dream and fantasy. one where careers are just "Th century inventions"... sadly, to put things in that prospective is yes, very beautiful in a sense of anarchist glory but entirely childish and idiotic. 


to be above the system one must abide by the system. everyone loves the idea of a rebel but to just obey and change things from the inside is far more practical... i'm looking into becoming a psychiatrist. it means quite a bit of schooling but at least i'm not trying to go to art school and major in art history or some other nonsense. as much as i love art, i know all too well it is not a career. not in this country, not in this century. oh how badly i wish i could write beat poetry and sail the seas drinking whiskey and playing the harmonica but that is not sensible. 


sadly.