Pride.

Daniela and I snuck into the parade and danced around like happy little gay children. It was awful fun.

I think i'd just rather not see, hear, talk to or interact with people in the least bit anymore, ever.

women i want to f....friend.

Patricia Velasquez                                                          Sara Shahi




Amber Heard

the primary color movement and more from my 8th grade year.

you and me

my lucky magic eight ball necklace misses me.

I would like my magic 8 ball necklace back.
my ex girlfriend is nearly 22 i think and still acts like a child.
honestly i have never met anyone so childish... it's sad really,  that i even wasted time with her. I never loved  her more than a friend. now i don't even love her as a friend. i don't really even like her as a person.

the sound of her voice or name kind of makes me a tad nauseous. and upset with myself... a little ashamed.

She's like that old 80's mullet you had because for a split second you thought you'd look okay, and then you look back at photos of yourself with it, realizing how horrible and grotesque the decision was to get it. The mullet people still bring up just to make you feel uncomfortable because they know how much you hated it, and hate yourself for it.

really, a very "teenage" mistake.

this really,  is sad on my part, for putting myself through all that for the sake of her feelings. I just wanted her to grow up and go to school and become something. needless to say she still works in a pizzeria.

I feel sorry for her really. and her poor girlfriend too...the one she cheated on, with me. gosh i always seem to do that. It's not my fault really. it's theirs.

anyway, i'd like my lucky necklace back. I doubt i'll get it though. because she's so stubborn. what a child.
she makes me want to say, "fuck you" and punch something. It's just so sad. Really it is.

just some thoughts.

well it surely has been a while since I've written anything on here. 


so i was thinking about cutting my hair and growing my hair and how i wish my hair could both be down to the small of my back and short enough for me to finger the prickly edges along my side burns..that is, if i even had any.


i was thinking about how i am often attracted to women, women with either long flowing beautiful hair down their backs..dark long hair. Or women with small faces, pointed noses and short pixie cuts. it did not occur to me until now that i often am attracted to someone who either resembles "Moira Angela Darling" or better yet, Gwennith Paltrow in "Hook" or the child version of Robin Williams as peter pan. or perhaps women or men alike that look like Rufeeo. i wonder how it is you spell his name exactly. 


anyway, i do so very much enjoy the entire peter pan concept. as a child i had quite a few peter pan films. one was a play in which peter was played by a woman. and oh did i love her a great deal, however i didn't know she was a woman. it was actually tradition to have peter pan played by a woman, as they resemble a young boy far better than a man could. I of course had the Disney version which i can recite all the words to, then there was Hook. I loved them all and i loved the thought of neverland. I always wondered where y neverland was, or how i could find it. little did i know it was really just an adaptation of the theory of  heaven and the afterlife. 

indeed, Mary Martin was one of my first childhood romances. 

most writers geared towards children were often pedophiles... knowing so many people who were raped at a very young age, excluding myself makes me wonder why exactly Disney deemed these stories acceptable with their subliminal messages and references to a secret pornographic sex between a small child and a grown man. things like that upset me...however most brilliance is driven from common evils and insanity. 
you simply cannot as for a sane writer 
sanity is simplistic and i for one often fit the profile of a writer... but how does that even make me feel ... 


i sleot all day today having various dreams about old friends, and what the world would be like after an outbreak of a highly contageious disease. these dreams would never interest me as a writing topic however i would like to see them translated into film. 




for the past 8 years maybe forever, I've woken up at 3:30 AM... Christ died at 3:00 pm, or so the bible says. sometimes i wonder if this a devious game of the secret dimensions embedded between my world and the world of the unseen spirits of the dead. do i wake up to stop myself from slipping into this unseen dimension? 


i believe when we do certain things our bodies become open vessels. 


when i paint, i become an open vessel, allowing creative flow and thoughts of various creatures and life forms to flow through me, down my tendons and nerves ends and to the paint that will lay on canvas. 


i sold five paintings. I made quite a great deal of money from that but it saddens me. Putting a price on art is like putting a price on children in my eyes. i hope the new owners my paintings will treat them nicely. I wouldn't doubt that though. something they paid so much money for should be taken care of i presume. hopefully they send me photos of where they hang them up and what not. 


gosh this really is quite a tangent. i always do this, run off and blurb whatever it is that is in my head without any set direction of needs to be said or how to say it. 


i guess this is why i cannot become a decent writer. 
despite the fact that i am published....twice. quite a few of my poems are now in a literary magazine. and my small memoir is in a book as well. 




anyway, all of my classes are over. 
i still haven't figured out what to do with my life. at moments i am just so sure of what i want to do and how i want to be but then again i feel so disoriented and confused. however i know that is very normal of someone my age, it's just that i myself, for my own personal value would like to know. 
 everyone around me is so very deep into this childish dream and fantasy. one where careers are just "Th century inventions"... sadly, to put things in that prospective is yes, very beautiful in a sense of anarchist glory but entirely childish and idiotic. 


to be above the system one must abide by the system. everyone loves the idea of a rebel but to just obey and change things from the inside is far more practical... i'm looking into becoming a psychiatrist. it means quite a bit of schooling but at least i'm not trying to go to art school and major in art history or some other nonsense. as much as i love art, i know all too well it is not a career. not in this country, not in this century. oh how badly i wish i could write beat poetry and sail the seas drinking whiskey and playing the harmonica but that is not sensible. 


sadly. 

So, the other night...

The other night i was invited to some "art show" by a younger friend of mine.
Being diagnosed with social anxiety disorder it is very rare that i spend time with people i am not already very close to, but she seemed nice enough. She took me to some small art show, entirely stocked with over one hundred high school children pleasantly slobbering over one another like the pre-adulthood terrors they truly are. Needless to say i felt very uncomfortable and out of place. But the night was pretty alright, i hid on a nice couch next to an enormous speaker and listened to this small time local band called, Silver Plane Crucifix. They were extremely good, and it means a lot coming from me to say this. Oddly enough, the drummer is my ex-girlfriend's friend. Awkward situations follow me everywhere. But that did not stop me from absolutely grooving and getting my baby jones on. this little band made me 1, entirely inspired to begin writing songs again and picking up my old guitar.

They also reminded me how talented the youth of the world is, and how much i'm missing out on from being so busy with classes and working out excessively. I really love their sound it's a cross between The Black Keys, Bombay Bicycle Club, Toro Y Moi and Deerhunter. I really dig it and hope to see them around more. The summer is coming soon and needless to say that brings many opportunities to throw parties, perhaps i'll rent out a space at Pearl and throw a small talent debut show. I Don't know how to feel about summer being so close, it kind of makes me sad. the winter may be cold but there's something very warm about snow.

I Love Billie Holiday

Fondness is growing weary and i'd prefer it if you taken halt to such imperfect actions and untidy words. kindling the flames of embryonic flesh, and devoured miss of the mark on a self patriotic species. we spend our lives living literature through languages we cannot fully comprehend, and questions and answers both subside in a quandary of animalistic doom. here, 
there, lies the cowering court yard playing children in their phase of osmosis and adaptation of adp to adhp. from the sun we grow warmth, from the night quivers and quakes, those soothing cool night shakes we grow strength. strength in numbers, strength in mass and with out this hard ship we will weary from the kind kindled philosophy that lately linger out of our ears and on to our toes. 
gather in pools beneath our feet these closeted angle faced lovers
partake in the anti fetus relationship of days past. and with the scorn of church prayers and mother  bearers, father givers, of the masts they hide, 
the dainty children of same sex glide. 

i kind of miss having your face in my journal. And i wish you'd be quiet. I like you when you're quiet.

Really really good vibes.

So I've been insanely busy lately with classes, and work outs. I run everyday, and work out twice on thursday and i rest on the weekends but i feel like i should at least work out this sunday. I think i will. I'm doing pretty swell in all my classes averaging from 90-100 except for history....which upsets me.

I'm so excited for health... I don't smoke anymore which has done wonders for my lungs. Overall i just feel great and i couldn't wait to talk about it! Today I start my new diet, jut so i have energy for all this moving i've been doing. I can east as many fruits and vegetables as i want all day long, and have normal dinners. And starting next weekend i'll be able to cheat on sundays and saturdays.

In other news... This thursday i helped out with a senior citizen's party, serving food and chatting it up with war veterans.  Hopefully my plan to hold a senior citizens prom this may or june will work out. I've been trying to get people involved with the charities i work with but no one else seems to be motivated. I'll just have to make them motivated. 

anyway, those were my weekly good vibes, minus the feels towards this male character.